Loner doesn’t mean lonely. They prefer to be alone reason can vary person to person. I am a loner this fact was not known to me till I discovered. I grew up in a joint family around so many people all the time. I witnessed a lot of people staying at my place as my parents are very generous and kind hearted people and always offered support to a lot of people. So most of the time my place was crowded and amidst that crowd, I always tried to find my space unknowingly. Being an introvert requirement for space was more. Hardly I had friends, always need a deep connection to make friends. It doesn’t mean I don’t like people but I avoid the crowd. When I entered my puberty, my dilemma was growing more why I am unable to mingle up with people and why I don’t enjoy most people’s company. Puberty for me was a struggle as I had never ever expressed and shared anything with anyone related to my menstrual cycle. Gradually I developed a lot of complications at physical, emotional, mental layers and was dealing with them all alone as I never allowed anyone to discuss my issues. This attitude converted me into a very emotionally strong person though I had to pay very high.  

Being in a joint family I always missed my mother’s attention who was all the time busy with kitchen and handling issues one after another with all her energy and enthusiasm. I witnessed my mother’s deep pain and agony too. My father is a religious man and got his own path towards spirituality at a very young age and I witnessed his disconnection with family and he was more into his world of guru and serving people. I craved love, pampering, attention in my childhood, and grew up with a silent demand of love from parents. This silent demand of love when did not get fulfilled I started feeling a sense of rejection and got in a shell tightly. I always wanted to prove my mother that I am worth enough to get love and attention. To prove my worthiness, I started doing all sorts of things like supporting my mother in household chores and giving emotional support, care, compassion to everyone which I wanted to receive from my mother. Thus, my journey of worthiness started by serving others unknowingly. While moving on this journey of worthiness . I didn’t realize my fear, insecurity for my family because at that time they were the source of my survival. I became a parasite but my mind was showing me different pictures. I became the source of strength to my family by making them dependent on me emotionally, by obstructing their growth to feel that I EXIST, I am worth enough, I am accepted. Deep down the layer, I was a very insecure, fearful person who is struggling to protect the family. It was a vicious cycle in which I got trapped badly. One after another my family went through emotional turmoil, deep crisis and I was like a pillar to them to protect.  

My relationships (opposite sex) were always ended on a giving note from my side and I never complained about it. I always believed a relationship is based on love rather than imposing so I always gave freedom to a person to decide.  Conditioning of society, parents, friends always gave me the idea of being social, getting married. My mother had an opinion about me that I don’t like people, I don't want to get married but she never tried to understand that I am not different from others, the only difference is that I don’t need any external interference in my life, I don’t need any external acceptance, approval. I needed a partner as per my choice, not as per their choice. I didn’t fit in their frame of a normal person. That’s how my struggle started to fit in the definition of normal people.  

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For me, the concept of marriage was always of companionship. I always felt getting married is not for the sake of, it is about the understanding of each other with utmost love and care. Society, my mother, sisters wanted me to get married for the sake of and I struggled a lot to understand my intuitions about getting married and the conditioning of the society. There was a struggle to accept my journey being a loner. If I look back since childhood, I am the most empathetic person in my family and always happy to support others silently.