My #Journey from a Parasite to an Adventurous #Loner
#Loner doesn’t mean lonely. They prefer to be alone reason can vary person to person. I am a loner, this fact was not known to me till I discovered. I grew up in a joint family around so many people all the time. I witnessed a lot of people staying at my place as my parents are very generous and kind hearted people and always offered support to a lot of people. So most of the time my place was crowded and amid that crowd, I always tried to find my space unknowingly. Being introvert the requirement for space was more. Hardly I have friends, always needed a deep connection to be friends. It doesn’t mean I don’t like people but I avoid the crowd. When I entered my puberty my dilemma was growing more why I am unable to mingle up with people and why I don’t enjoy most people’s company. Puberty for me was a struggle as I had never ever expressed and shared anything with anyone related to my menstrual cycle. Gradually I developed a lot of complications at physical, emotional, mental layers and was dealing with them all alone as I never allowed anyone to discuss my issues. This attitude converted me into a very emotionally strong person though I had to pay very high.
Being in a joint family I always missed my mother’s attention who was all the time busy with kitchen and handling issues one after another with all her energy and enthusiasm. I witnessed my mother’s deep pain and agony too. My father is very religious and got his own path towards spirituality at a very very young age and I witnessed his disconnection with family and he was more into his world of guru and serving people. I craved love, pampering, attention in my childhood, and grew up with a silent demand of love from parents. This silent demand of love when did not get fulfilled I started feeling a sense of rejection and got in a shell tightly. I always wanted to prove to my mother that I am worth enough to get love and attention. To prove my worthiness I started doing all sorts of things like supporting my mother in household chores and giving emotional support, care, compassion to everyone which I wanted to receive from my mother. Thus my journey of worthiness started by serving others unknowingly. While moving on this journey of #worthiness
I didn’t realize my fear, insecurity for my family because at that time they were the source of my survival. I became a parasite but my mind was showing me different pictures. I became the source of strength to my family by making them dependent on me emotionally, by obstructing their growth to feel that I EXIST, I am worth, I am accepted. Deep down the layer, I was a very insecure, fearful person who is struggling to protect the family. It was a vicious cycle I got trapped in badly. One after another my family went through emotional turmoil, deep crisis and I was like a pillar to them to protect.
My relationships (opposite sex) were always ended on a giving note from my side and I never complained about it. I always believed a relationship is based on love rather than imposing so I always gave freedom to a person to decide.
Conditioning of society, parents, friends always gave me the idea of being social, getting married. My mother had an opinion about me that I don’t like people, I don't want to get married but she never tried to understand that I am not different from others, the only difference is that I don’t need any external interference in my life, I don’t need any external acceptance, approval. I needed a partner as per my choice, not as per their choice. I didn’t fit in their frame of a normal person. That’s how my struggle started to fit in the definition of normal people.
For me, the concept of marriage was always of companionship. I always felt getting married is not for the sake of, it is about the understanding of each other with utmost love and care. So society, my mother, sisters wanted me to get married for the sake of and I struggled a lot to understand my intuitions about getting married and the conditioning of the society. There was a struggle to accept my journey being a loner. If I look back since childhood, I am the most empathetic person in my family and always happy to support others silently.
My journey of #liberation started ten years back and my inner calling was so intense I couldn’t stop myself to break my dependency on survival and started my journey being a loner. The search for love outside ended when I discovered it inside me, the source. All deep conditioning of society, upbringing made me a parasite and my awakening to the reality put me on the path of liberation and to realize the life of a loner(my essence) to which I was unaware of.
When I started understanding my journey as a loner I am able to offer more support to people. My intuitions always help me to move in my life and I feel I am becoming more sensitive towards people and cannot hurt them. My capacity to absorb the pain is high so I prefer to take the pain rather than hurting others. At present I am in a situation to support my family in a better way without obstructing their growth. Certain principles that I acquired while moving on this journey make me feel good about it. The depth of life I am able to understand more being a loner. The silence, the #solitude is helping me to work for a cause. My journey is not all about sleeping and eating, I want to experience the universe with my own eyes, not from the perspective of others. I love solo traveling so that I can interact with people on one on one basis. I am an adventurous traveler, road trips in the night rush my energy high. Moon, Sky, Air, deep forests, High mountains, Sea are my friends and I feel them by talking to them. The silence of the nights whispers their stories in my ears. I am passionate about people’s emotions, psyche, the different path of journey. I find the journey more attractive than the destinations. Loners are known for their creative work and secluded life. They use most of their energy for some creation, cause.
Are you still living a life set by society, set by conditioning of a rigid mind??? Would you like to decode your code of essence to live a break free life?? I left all the illusions behind to live life….Do you??